Maturity Levels and Aspiration

One of the primary points of practice is to reveal the unexamined beliefs we hold, chiefly these are the myriad ego-identities we hold. These 'selves' can manifest as different maturity levels. We can switch maturity levels on a moment's notice. For example, if you believe you have the right to say whatever you want, whenever you want, check to see whether you're functioning at the maturity level of: infant, child, adolescent, or parent. Of course, we usually think we're 'adult' (not to mention right) in such situations; however, the emotional tone and believed thoughts usually reveal that there's less maturity involved than we thought. Each maturity level manifests in a wide variety of 'flavors'. As we inspect the categories below, let's not fall prey to the tendency to fall down a slippery slope of yes-butting and justification of our attitudes and behaviors. If we do, what's the cost? Miscommunications, disharmony in relationships, and an eclipse of our capacity to be awake to our true identity — for the moment.

Since our vow as practitioners is to wake up to reality, we must question who we take ourselves to be, particularly when things get hot. This isn't 'fixing', it's awareness. When that 'stuck' feeling clues us that something less than full maturity is afoot, it helps to raise the question: "What maturity level am I holding in this situation or relationship?" Then, try on the following: (And be honest — check for defensiveness, denial, dumping, and disgruntledness).

The definitions below don't refer to specific psychological developmental phases, but to habitual qualities that show up in zen students — even those of us who see ourselves as adult or even 'elder' (see below). (Feel free to add additional words that apply):

INFANT (DEPENDENT): Hysterical, tantruming, dysfunctional, hopeless, despairing, crazed, over the edge, decompensated.

CHILD (DEPENDENT) : Needy, clinging, manipulative, expecting others to satisfy our demands or make us happy ("You're not meeting my needs"). Seeing others as the agents of change, the ones who make things happen, rather than oneself. Deferring to authority figures ("Because (name) said so.")

ADOLESCENT (PSEUDO-INDEPENDENT): Passive-aggressive, rebellious ('You can't make me'); difficulty with authority figures (love-hate, ambivalence); susceptible to peer pressure; isolated in own world; cynical; 'cool'.

PARENTAL (PSEUDO-INDEPENDENT, CODEPENDENT): Portrays self as authority; caretakes or overnurtures others: 'meeting their needs', and perhaps claiming to have no personal needs; controlling; perfectionistic (actually, it's imperfectionistic — looking for what's wrong, fault-finding); critical, needing to set others straight 'for their own good'. Always right. Often a disguise of the 'child' identity — I'm the big kid in the family (group), and I help run the show.

ADULT (CONVENTIONALLY INDEPENDENT): Functional, accountable, responsible. Sees and relates to others as equally valuable beings, rather than elevating oneself and putting others down. Respectful of the diverse capacities of others.

ELDER (INTERDEPENDENT): This maturity level refers to those moments when we sense that everything is a differing manifestation of the one reality; the sense of separation is absent. NOTE: many zen students try to look, talk and act as if they're at this level; this could be called 'premature 'pseudo-transcendence'. This is not so much maturity as intermitted moments of insight into the natural order of things.

In exploring maturity levels, if you hit a blind spot, ask someone who knows you quite well, and is capable of providing relatively nonjudgmental, objective input. Or even better, capable of raising socratic questions that help us come to our own realizations.

From Zenquiry: A Practice Manual by Elizabeth Hamilton